Jesus and Biff

STIPIMM: “The Smartest Monkeys,” by XTC

I just finished a very interesting book, loaned to me by my good friend, Amanda, about the life of one Jesus of Nazareth.

Damn, that sounds like something from a Vacation Bible School skit. “It’s called the Bible. It ain’t bad – you should read it sometime.”

No, Amanda did not loan me a Bible, thank Allah. The book is called, “Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal.” It is a humorous novel whose primary conceit is that Jesus of Nazareth had a best friend named Biff (or “Levi who is called Biff”) who accompanies him throughout his travels up to and including those chronicled in the New Testament. However, it purports (tongue-in-cheek) to portray all the events that are missing from the Gospels, namely Jesus’ childhood, adolescence and ascent into manhood.

Being a lover of this kind of thing, I starting reading Amanda’s copy while they were up for the wedding, and she generously sent it along for me to read when she had finished.

It was a fun read, to be sure. The book begins with Biff meeting Jesus and them becoming fast friends. They both fall for a pretty young thing named Mary Magdalene (“Maggie”) who becomes “the one that got away” for both of them. The stuff about Jesus’ childhood, up until the time he turned 13, was my favorite part of the book.

Most of the rest of the book involves Jesus and Biff’s journey to find the three wise men from the East who came to witness Jesus’ birth. Jesus wants to know exactly what they knew that led them to him and what it means for his destiny, which he’s still trying to figure out. They find each one in turn, spending years with them as they (or at least Jesus) learn the philosophy of love and kindness.

It is an interesting historical speculation to send Jesus east to learn about philosophy. Indeed, there are plenty of parallels between what Jesus taught (as opposed to what most Christians purport to believe now) and eastern philosophy. Moore tracks those parallels quite well.

But this part of the book is also where it starts to get a little hokey. The book is at its best when it tries to sound true to history; at times, despite the crazy narrative, you think, yeah, it could have happened that way. But when it freely takes in anachronisms, such as Biff’s supposed invention of sarcasm, or his (believe it or not) development of an early form of the law of evolution, it just stands out and just makes me think, “Oh look, trying to be clever. Hardee har har.”

The book gets back on track once Jesus and Biff return to Galilee to start Jesus’ ministry. It tracks through events portrayed in the Bible, but adds certain twists, yet staying true to the Gospels. My favorite aspect of this is the focus on the idiosyncracies of the twelve Apostles, from the delusional Thomas to the dense, but loyal, Peter.

As I look over what I’ve written so far, I realize that this sounds like a book review. I didn’t mean it to; I’m basically just writing it out to kind of work out what I think about it.

The main reason I started talking about this book at all, however, is because I was thinking about what kind of film it would make. Me being a film person, I’m always considering how a particular piece of intellectual property would convert to cinema. It’s me practicing to be a producer. (“This is a great story! Get me this Bill Shakespeare on the phone!”) Several of you out there may remember that I had previously considered doing a version of the Book of Jonah, and so imagining this as a film was a logical extension of that. And besides, can you imagine the controversy/publicity that could be garnered from this kind of story, even if it fundamentally remains faithful to the spirit of the Gospels?

My simple answer about it’s translatability to the screen is… it could work. The first and last parts of the story (those parts that take place in Galilee and Judea), could be wonderfully done, much in the spirit of “Monty Python and the Life of Brian.” But the middle part of the story, the main meat of the entire book, which is set in what is now Afghanistan, China and India, would have to be retooled. There’s just too much philosophizing and internal struggle for a film to deal with (sorry, we can’t make “My Dinner with Jesus” here) and not bore the pants off the audience. Granted, there is a very exciting part with a demon killing some Chinese concubines, and another part where Jesus and Biff save children from ritual sacrifice a la “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom,” but other than that, something would have to be reworked.

Of course, this is just an intellectual exercise. No doubt some like-minded producer has snatched up the option to this story and is developing it as we speak. I’m curious to see if they can come up with something film-worthy.